Lads! Warriors! DEMOMEN! As I look out at ye with me tear-stained eye, I see the BEST BLOODY CLASS on the battlefield! No other class can deny it. They cannot stand against us man to man. Oh no. So they wheedle and deceive their way into our confidence, just to drive a shovel straight into our great, trustin' Achilles bloody hearts.
THIS WEEK, lads, we have been granted the opportunity for revenge—against our crew-cutted betrayer, against Brutus Benedict Arnold Judas Bloody Iscariot himself: the SOLDIER! Every Soldier who dies by a Demoman’s hand will be noted in the annals of war. And at the END of this week, when the smoke clears and the dead are tallied, it will be the Demomen who emerge as the most LETHAL BLOODY KILLERS the Soldier’s ever made the great mistake of crossin'!
The Soldier may take our LIVES, mates. They may betray us and they may break our hearts. But they will never take our SATISFACTION. When WE are given an EXCLUSIVE, SECRET EXTRA WEAPON UNLOCK that could have gone to them. And when they look BACK on this week, they will wonder: “Could I have fought HARDER? Could I have killed MORE?” And the answer is: Yes, you bloody well could have. AND THE OUTCOME WOULD STILL BE THE BLOODY SAME.
To war, my loyal Demos! To blood and scotch and bombs! To the death of our betrayers and the sobbin' sound of their dyin' regrets! TO WARRRRRRR!
The Eyelander holds to a principle all one-eyed Scotsmen with no depth perception have known for years: you don’t kill a man by mucking about with rifles, arrows, rocks, or other long-distance rubbish. You kill him by grabbing the biggest bloody sword you can find, running up nice and close to him, and chopping the dumb bastard’s head off.
Made with pattern-welded Damascus steel, this melee-slot weapon offers a guaranteed decapitation with every killing blow. Unfortunately, because it's haunted, it will suck away some of your soul: expect a decrease in your max health at the outset. However, once the blade feeds on neck, you’ll receive a boost in max health and speed. With each new protesting head you cleave (up to four), you’ll get healthier and faster.
The Eyelander will not deal critical hits unless used in conjunction with the Chargin’ Targe’s charge ability.
The Chargin’ Targe solves a centuries-old Scottish riddle, which is that shields exist. True, the shield might block the occasional sword blow. However, they are essentially weapons to be used for hiding behind, and this is a concept the average Scotsman does not understand. “If I were to pick up this cowering-plate, I would have to put down my second sword,” a Scotsman thinks. “And surely that is madness.” The Chargin’ Targe solves this riddle by turning the useless shield into a deadly weapon you can run at people with and then bludgeon to death.
The targe replaces your tried-and-true sticky bomb launcher, but offers some unique capabilities in return, especially when used with the Eyelander. Just equipping the Chargin’ Targe provides automatic +50% fire damage resistance and +65% blast damage resistance. But the Chargin’ Targe’s main perk lies in its name. Alt-firing will hurtle you toward an enemy at a punishingly damaging high speed (far faster than a Scout can manage).
Charging also boosts the lethality of your melee weapon. Land a melee hit during a medium length charge and you'll be guaranteed a mini-crit. Land a hit during a long distance charge, and your victim will receive devastating full crit damage.
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